Ninja Psychology
by sylver rain
Summary: Just what happens when each of our dear Naruto characters have to go for counseling? Find out how your favourite character tackles this shrinky-problem... Madness will reign. Chpt 2 - Shika, Chouji and Tenten goes first.
1. Prologue

Let's take a look at just how a counseling session would turn out for each of our dear shinobis. Will the ninjas be cured of whatever problems they have, or will the counselor be the one to go crazy in the end?

May madness ensue.

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto… sadly… {runs away, sobbing uncontrollably}

* * *

**Ninja Psychology**

**Chapter 1: Prologue**

"WHAT??" The entire congregation made up of twelve chuunins chorused in a single uniform voice of disbelief.

Tsunade sighed, "I'll repeat it if you didn't hear me clearly. I said that you twelve are going for counseling sessions."

"WHY?" The entire group asked again.

"Because, judging from all your previous performances, some of you just don't have what it psychologically takes to face anything in battle. And even if you do, reports from your trainers have shown socially otherwise." This earned twelve glares at the four trainers standing at the side - that is, Kakashi, Gai, Asuma and Kurenai. The four senseis looked like they wanted to sink into the ground. Gai had caught a very bloodcurdling glare from his antisocial student, Neji, and he slowly inched behind Kakashi.

Naruto, being the loud one as usual, glared at the hokage and piped up, "That's no excuse!! I WANT A BETTER EXPLANATION."

Tsunade glared back, "Fine. I'll give you your explanation. According to reports, Sakura and Ino were in some sort of bitch fight two days ago over a guy, involving some other girls where three were put into hospitals; Kiba let loose every single one of his dogs to search for a missing grocery list, successfully bringing our village ecosystem's cat population down to a 4% minimum; Neji and Sasuke have an attitude that could piss a goldfish off; Chouji eats too much; Shika's too lazy; Lee's plain ugly; Tenten's a boring extra character; Hinata has a stutter problem and talks too little; Naruto talks too freakin' much; and Shino just DOESN'T TALK AT ALL!!" She roared toward the end, and Shino hoped it wasn't personal.

The assembly was now very silent, with only Lee softly sobbing at the back.

"Now that you know what the problem is, I'll be assigning you into groups."

"WHAT??"

- 

The chuunins were arranged in groups of three so as to make things convenient for the counselor/shrink/psychologist/whatever-you-wanna-call-it, so that he or she could handle three at a time whilst using similar psychological techniques for each group.

It was decided that the groupings would be as follows, and with the stated reasons as according:

Group 1: Sakura, Ino, Hinata - because they were girls infatuated with a guy of some sort.

Group 2: Neji, Sasuke, and Shino - because they were too antisocial for their own good.

Group 3: Naruto, Kiba, and Lee - because they were too hyperactive for their own good.

And Group 4: Tenten, Shika and Chouji - because they were just plain boring.

- 

And so the day arrived for the counselor to come. The chuunins were sitting in a very hospital-waiting-area-like room, and mind you, the chuunins were not taking this too well.

"This is stupid!" Naruto complained.

"I know, Naruto." Kakashi said.

"How troublesome…" Shika murmured.

"I'm hungry…" Chouji groaned.

"Yes boys…" Asuma said.

"Who is this person?" Lee asked.

"You'll see, Lee." Gai said.

"When is this stupid counselor person going to come…" Kiba trailed off.

The door to the room flung open and in stepped Tsunade, followed by a woman. A very gorgeous woman that made mouths drop.

Her name was Ms Niavos, a lady well into her mid twenties with a voluptuous figure and very pretty facial features. She had long blonde hair that curled in all the right places, eyes thickly brushed with eye shadow, a mascara overload, foundation that could be as thick as Gaara's sand skin-shell, lips coated with a thick layer of dark lipstick and long fingernails painted with a metallic dark red. She wore a white science-lab-looking coat over a tube top and a very, very short miniskirt, and high heels fit to kill. And to top the counselor-look off, a pair of thin-framed spectacles over her eyes. All in all, she was quite a bombshell. And it was the teachers who were to pick from a list of many shrinks who they wanted. Obviously, the men voted on this particular female specimen, much to the disapproval of Kurenai - who was very visibly glaring at the three fished-mouth senseis beside her.

"Hello darlings. My name is Ms Niavos." The lady cooed.

The three male senseis dropped to the ground, each weakly giving each other hi-fives.

"Ooh, are these the little babies?" The shrink spared a glance at the crowd of chuunins, not really getting a good look each of them.

"Yes." Tsunade said, eyebrows twitching slightly to the word 'babies'. She did NOT appreciate her ninjas being called babies…

"We shall get started then!!" Ms Niavos crowed out in her thick, classy voice after taking the list of groups and names from Tsunade.

Before the shrink could step into the counseling room, Tsunade warned, "I suggest you work via order of 4, 1, 2, and 3." The counselor looked at her questioningly.

Tsunade only smirked, "Leaves the hardest for last."

--- 

A/N: Well, howja like that? Just how are out dear ninjas going to cope?? Review and lemme know if I should continue. This is a prologue, so it's short. I'll be sure to make the other chapters longer.

Just so y'all know, I will be diving kinda deep into each group. Just cuz I say Group 4's boring doesn't mean their counseling session will be! And no, I don't think Lee's ugly… he's actually rather cute… in a funny… sorta way…

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	2. Group 4, Out the Door

Wow! First, tiny short chapter prologue thing and I've already got 5 reviews!!! Yay!! Ok… so maybe it ain't a big deal to most of y'all out there. But it beats my other Naruto fanfic… only 2 reviews on the first LONG chapter… sobz

Anyway, thank you so much to my reviewers!! If the fic starts to sound draggy or plain stupid, it's cuz I'm doing all this impromptu and just pulling it all out from my ass. Alright, so there ARE many pple who do that too and can still write a fantastic fic… Just let me wallow in my self-misery.

Neko: Heyoz!! Good to hear from u!! Haha… totally agree wit u on the Lee comment. And I'm still trying to think up of something to help u wit ur writer's block issue… Cuz I'm dying to get my eyes on the next chpt of Quest of the Green Beast. Herherz… Bt man… I really can't blame you on that block or yours… My little mind's been drawing blanks too…

NofacePrincess: Hey… how come u can review twice?? That's awesome!! Is it only for one-chpt fics or are u just special? ;)

* * *

**Ninja Psychology**

**Chapter 2: Group 4, Out the Door**

Ms Niavos decided to take the Hokage's advice and work in the order suggested. But she was pretty sure the ninjas couldn't be that hard… definitely not as hard as a case she had ever tackled in the past. It was in the Hidden Sand Village and she had to counsel three very unruly kids… and there was a particularly scary red head with a tattoo saying 'love' on his forehead… Very scary…

Yes, these ninjas couldn't possibly be worse than that kid. He was the most awful case she had ever come across. If she could tackle that homicidal maniac of a kid, she could tackle anything, she was sure of it.

"Grrrroooup four!!!" She called out.

-

"Grrrroooup four!!!" The lady's accented voice called out from behind the door.

Shika looked down at his scrap of paper.

Group 4

'That should be me… How troublesome…' Shika thought to himself as he got up and ambled along to the door. Tenten and Chouji were behind him.

Shika pushed the door open and walked in. There were three leather seats before a desk with a few neat piles of papers and folders on it, and behind the desk was a larger leather chair with the shrink comfortably sitting in it. She had a clipboard and pen in her hands and she was looking expectantly at them.

'Man…I can't be bothered with this…' Shika thought to himself.

'Wonder what's going to happen…' Tenten pondered.

'I'm hungry…' Chouji thought.

"Oh, darling, there shall be no eating in this room." Ms Niavos said good-naturedly to Chouji.

"Oh. Ok." Chouji shrugged and scrunched up the potato-crisps wrapper, stuffing it into his pocket.

"Very goot!" Ms Niavos said happily, "Since zis is the first time we meet each ozzer, I propose we introduce ourselves. Now, we shall start with… you." She pointed to Shika, who was sitting on the far left facing her.

Shika seemed to be daydreaming, staring at al wall and wondering why there weren't any windows in the room.

"Helloo?" Ms Niavos waved at him.

"Eh?"

"We shall start with you."

"Start doing what?"

"Introducing ourselves."

"All of you? How troublesome."

"No… just introduce yourself."

"Oh. Still troublesome."

"So?"

"What?"

"Introduce yourself!"

"Oh, ok. My name's Shika."

"Shika…?"

"Yes."

"No, I mean, is zat it?"

"Yes."

"Isn't it longer?"

"…Shikamaru?"

"Yes… Shikamaru… your whole name."

"Man, this sucks… Nara Shikamaru."

Ms Niavos sighed, but still smiled, "Yes. Zat is what I'm looking for."

Silence.

"Anything else?" Ms Niavos asked.

"Huh? There's more??"

"Yes… like what you like, what you like doing, any goals you have…"

"Man… this is really troublesome. Can you just skip me?"

"No! Of course not!! No one should be skipped! Everyone is worth something, in fact, priceless!! You mustn't think of yourself in zuch a lowly way!!! No, no! For heaven's sake, never!!!"

"I… didn't say I did. I just asked you to skip me…"

"Hurry up now!!"

"Fine! mumbles Troublesome woman… Ok. I like sleeping, I like staring at clouds, I DON'T like troublesome people asking me to tell them what I like."

"Ookay… Goals?"

"I like gold too."

"No, I mean any goals. Aims, dreams, etc…"

"I don't know and I really don't care." Shika said as nicely as possible. It was troublesome trying not to sound rude.

"Ok…" Ms Niavos smiled and sketched something down on her clipboard, "NEXT!!!"

Tenten covered her ears. Damn she was loud…

"Umn… My name is Tenten. I like flowers, hate insects, hate it when people say I'm boring…."

"Yes yes you are. NEXT!!!"

"Chouji covered his ears. She really didn't have to shout…

"I'm Akimichi Chouji. I love egg noodles with seafood egg sauce, red snapper fish with white sauce and some chives sprinkled over, well-done char grilled sirloin steak with mushroom gravy – not too salty, chocolate coated banana with caramel, nuts, and those cute itty-bitty marshmallow bits on the top…"

"OK, I think zat would be sufficient. Now, any goals?"

"I want to own a restaurant!!!"

"If you don't finish all the food in it first…" Shika mumbled.

"HEY!!" Chouji yelled at him.

"Now, now… calm down you two. No fighting now, eh? Shikamaru… pleeze don't be so rude to your friend next time…"

"I'm not being rude. I'm being realistic."

"HEY!!!!" Chouji yelled again.

"Ok, stop it you two." Ms Niavos said, not at all too annoyed. Tenten wondered just how she did it.

"Well now, let us look at personal problems, ya? Shikamaru, do you have any problems you are going through now?"

"No."

"Oh, be truthful. I'm sure you do. Everyone in the world has problems."

"Even you?"

"Even me!"

"Like what?"

"Oh, you have no idea… I've been- Hey! I'm ze counselor here. I ask ze questions. So, any problems?"

Shika sighed. "Do you really want to know?"

"Yes! Of course!!"

"Then NO."

Ms Niavos looked at him suspiciously.

"What?" Shika asked, getting unnerved by her stare.

"I think you're just lazy. Laziness _is_ a zign of rebellion, you know? Lazy people rezent advize and rarely use it. Very poorly motivated. But zere is actually an emotional process that cause laziness in ze first place…"

"Oh man…"

"Don't worry! I have done a lot of analyzing on many kids zuffering with laziness. My ztatistics never fail me! Are you having any trouble in zchool? A lot of laziness ztarts and end with bad academic results. Don't be shy to zay you are doing poorly in zchool. Nothing is wrong with that. I know it can be quite embarass…"

"Oh, Shika?" Chouji piped up, "Man, he's hell smart. IQ of over 200 points…."

Ms Naivos stared at Shika, dumbfounded.

"Ah, Miss, you sure your Ztatistics _never_ fail you?" Tenten asked quietly, and couldn't help smirking.

-

"Wonder what the hell's going on in there." Naruto said aloud, much to the relief of Kiba, who was dying to talk to somebody.

"Naruto! Sheesh, finally we hear some noise." Kiba said loudly, and Akamaru barked its agreements.

"YOISH!!!" Lee zipped over to the duo from his spot a seat away from Neji. "I wondered when that haunting silence would end! I'm glad I can count on you two energetic people to get this party started!!!!"  
Kiba and Naruto stared at him. Akamaru growled questioningly.

"Yea… anyway. The others are so boring. They don't talk at all, and all they do is sit there and look cool and wait for their turns to go in. You know they wanna have fun but they just think they're too cool too…" Naruto continued blabbering on, oblivious to the annoyed glances the other shinobis, besides them, were giving him.

-

"So," Ms Niavos continued, "You… girl…"

"Tenten."

"Yes, Tantan. Any problems?"

"Acually… I have…"

"That's very nice. Chouji, what about you-"

"Hey! How come I don't get to say mine?"

"I'm sorry Penpen-"

"Tenten."

"Whatever. I guess I just don't pay much attention to extras."

"Oh… wha- EXTRAS?!?"

-

"Man, that shrink is a hottie!!" Kiba suddenly said. Naruto choked and Lee stood up suddenly, "NO! She may have the looks, but not enough of it to surpass the dazzling beauty of the stunning SAKURA-CHAN!!!"  
The other shinobis in the room winced at Lee's loud voice.

"Oh, puh-leeze." Ino spoke up, "As if forehead is better looking than the shrink. The Niavos lady is of model quality. Forehead's just junkyard material with the grand canyon above her eyebrows…"

"Well, Ino," Sakura quickly and angrily interrupted, "I'm so sorry that you're not even up to my level, with all that overwhelming piginess of yours. I mean, pigs don't even _have_ eyebrows…"

The two girls glared at each other and a very nasty bitch fight seemed imminent. The other shinobis decided it best to start moving away…

-

"Do you have any problems, Chouji?"

"No…"

"Oh, pleeze. I can tell you do. Come on. Just tell us. I promise we won't tell a zoul…"

"Speak for yourself…" Shika murmured.

"SHIKAMARU!"

"Ok! Ok! Promise… sheesh…"

"So, Chouji, just tell me."

"I…"

"Yes??"

"I…"

"Yes, yes, come on?"

"Can you just let me finish??"

"Oh, my apologies."

"I… I've been told that I have a… small… weight problem…"

"Oh, my dear, you must be mistaken."

Chouji seemed happy that she didn't think he was overweight. It was exactly what he was hoping to hear. He had been really burdened after being told he was rather plump and he needed to get it off his chest…

"It's not small. It's a COLOSSAL weight problem!!"

"Nice move…" Shika said, backing away slowly from Chouji. From experience, Chouji was either going to cry, or get very dangerous…

"And, though I'm pretty sure you've acknowledged this by now, but you are rather fat and-"

Probably cry. "She said the F word..." Shika moaned and moved even further from Chouji. Tenten took the hint and moved back too.

"…I think I should put you on some weight-loss management program, and get you out of your terrible shape…"

Make that dangerous. Chouji was starting to turn a very purple color…

"I think you should stop now miss…" Tenten said wisely.

"Oh, do be quiet… you… uh… person."

"It's Tenten."

"I'm trying to improve your fat friend's self-image here-"

"AAAUUUURRRGGGHHHH!!!!!!" Chouji finally burst out.

"Hey… he's a strange mix between blue and green…" Shika mused casually.

"So much for improving self-image." Tenten remarked.

"Shut up, Tonton."

"TENTEN."

-

The shinobis outside were staring at the room's closed door.

"That sounded a lot like Chouji…" Kiba said.

-

"OK… zo how about we ztart with zome reassuring each ozzer?" Ms Niavos asked, wiping some sweat along with foundation from her forehead. Chouji was now sitting with his arms around his knees, clutching his potato-crisps packet tightly in his hand and rocking slowly back and forth, a crumbled piece of potato-crisp dangling at his mouth.

Shika stared worriedly at Chouji, "Man… isn't this counseling suppose to cure people's problems? Not give them?-"

"SO, Shika, why don't you start and say something nice to Tintin?"

"It's TENTEN."

Shika looked at the girl, "Ok. Ah… you… have…"

'Great ninja skills? Fantastic weapon talents? Good looks???' Tenten sifted through the many possibilities…

"…nice hair… bun, tied-up, things…"

"Oh. T-Thanks…"

"And Shika, how about something nice to Chouji here?"

Shika stared at the stoned boy next to him.

"Ah… You have…"

Chouji looked at him, hope in his eyes.

"…Done a great job at trying to lose weight?"

Chouji went back to rocking.

"Yes, that was… very goot of you, Shika." Ms Niavos said unsurely. "And Chouji, you have anything zat you want to zay to them? Anything nice?"

"Nice… rice… with lice and mice…" Chouji murmured thoughtfully to himself.

"Yes… that is… goot…" Ms Niavos muttered. "Ok. Next, we'll be-"

"What about me?" Tenten asked, feeling a little rejected.

"What _about_ you?"

"Aren't you gonna ask me to say something nice to the other two?"

"Why?"

"What?? Isn't the whole point of this stupid therapy thing to get ALL of us positively interacting-"

"Now, now, Penpen, we-"

"It's TENTEN!" Tenten felt like crying.

"Yes, very nice. Now, we don't want zuch negative feelings in zis room. After all, zis is zuppose to get you all positively interacting with each other-"

"But that's exactly what I just said!!"

"Ponpon, it's rude to interrupt-"

"Why doesn't this room have any windows?" Shika suddenly butted in after a short while of daydreaming.

"Why," Ms Niavos replied with a smile, "What a smart and observant boy you are…"

Tenten, feeling very dejected, blurted out, "Didn't you just say it was rude to-"

"DINDIN!! Didn't I just zay it was rude to interrupt zomeone?"

"WHAT???"

-

"What's taking so long?" Naruto whined.

"Why can't you just be patient, big-mouth?" Kiba reprimanded him.

After a few seconds…

"What's taking so long?" Kiba whined.

"WOW, Kiba. Man, we were waiting AGES. You're _so_ patient…" Naruto's voice dripped with sarcasm.

Sasuke stared at the door leading to the room with the counselor and three shinobis inside. The door was obviously sound and chakra sealed. But still a little of both were able to get through, hence they had all heard what sounded a lot like Chouji screaming just now. At the moment, he was sure he could feel a faint trace of chakra filled with killer-intent radiating from the room…

-

"Ok, zat's it."

"What's it?" Shika asked.

"Zat's it for today. Ta ta!"

The three shinobis looked at each other. Well, more like just Shika and Tenten. Chouji was still rocking to and fro.

"How was that suppose to have helped us in anyway?" Tenten blurted out.

"Don't be so rude… you… ah, Pinpin. You're obviously to dumb and boring to have understood-"

"How _was_ that suppose to have helped us though?" Shika asked in his usual bored tone.

"Why, my dear, it should have helped you in a lot of ways!!" Ms Niavos smiled and was about to launch into a list of them before Shika waved it off. Tenten glared murderously at the shrink.

"Ok, zo gootbye you two." Ms Niavos suddenly notices Tenten glaring, "I mean, three."

Tenten stormed out, followed by Shika rolling a balled up Chouji out the door they had first entered.

"Well," Ms Niavos said to herself, "That went pretty well!" And smiled happily.

-

The shinobis outside saw Tenten, Shika, and Chouji walking (and rolling) out the door. Chouji was in a ball, Shika was pushing him, and Tenten looked mad enough to kill.

"Shika," Ino raised a brow, "What happen to Chouji?"

"The F word." Shika replied offhandedly.

"Oh…" Ino fully understood.

Lee good-naturedly inquired of Tenten, "Tenten-"

"IT'S TENTEN!!" She screamed, "TENTEN, OK?? T-E-N-T-E-N!! NOT TINTIN, OR TONTON, OR PENPEN, OR PONPON, OR DINDIN, OR WHATEVER ELSE IT IS _BUT_ TENTEN!!!!!!!!"

She stamped out the building's entrance, with the other shinobis staring after her.

"I take the session didn't go too well?" Lee asked.

---

A/N: Hopefully that wasn't too boring? :S And really, I think Tenten's cool and not an extra, but my OC's a bitch. No worries… Tenten will get her revenge… eventually… hehehez. Just wait and lemme think of something..

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